Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Randomize
