I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Randomize
