I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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