he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
You have to summon your inner elephant
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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