I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
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