also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
