Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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