i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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