Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize
