everyone is single if you try hard enough
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize