Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Randomize
