Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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