Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
cat food counts as protein by the way
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
