Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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