I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
