I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Randomize