His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
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