you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
