I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
