So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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