I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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