Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Randomize
