I accidentally burped into my bong.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
