I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
