shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
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