Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
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