My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
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