This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
