lol you are funny thanks bro I'll take you to a strip club
I don't wanna go to a strip club I'd rather get my boobs free or earn them from a series of good deeds
Ha! What's wrong with that? Hard work deserves compensation. I accept cash, checks, and boobies!
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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