Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Randomize
