you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
