I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
