it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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