either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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