yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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