Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
