Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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