Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Randomize
