I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
