It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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