We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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