A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
