When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
