just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
