apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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