Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
it was nice. we just kind of hung out. she didnt even mention the farting incident.
I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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