just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
