i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Randomize
