Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
I'm having to shit out rocks
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