She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
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