I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
