For the record dan just proved he knows the first and last names of ALL the members of NSync. Jury is no longer out on his sexuality.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
