Will you blow on my dice?
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
