Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
There's even glitter on my cock...
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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