I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
