I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
