she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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