I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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