I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
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