sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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