Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
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