Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
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