Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
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